My first Captains Log:
Last night was surreal for a lot of reasons, but mainly because it just felt like my first day back from a long disorienting vacation. One where nothing went right and my return home was delayed by every storm imaginable.
I haven't worked in a Professional Recording Studio in almost two years. No engineering, no writing sessions, no producing. I just....... quit cold turkey.
After the last studio I worked at in Miami closed I didn't know what to do. I was deflated. After 3 internships, freelance, selling beats when I could and 3 different cities in about 3.5 years, my daughter's mom reminded me daily that I was failing at taking care of her and my daughter. The money train everyone was riding was slowing down.
If ever I had known a dreamkiller, it was her. And after I gave up on my dream (in a way) our relationship deteriorated even more. My fire was extinguished. But I never wanted to be anything else accept a musician. I used to be so driven and determined. My ambition through the roof. My arrogance at an all time high by the time I made it to Miami.....
Once I stopped I noticed the other parts of my life and family I had neglected. I didn't see my mother slowly being eaten alive by depression or my brother losing his way to a life he had no business being apart of. My Little Brother died on his 18th Birthday.
It was the final tipping point for me.
Nothing mattered anymore. My ambition was fueled by the need to be a great role model for him. I decided I should have been there. With him. Not pursuing some stupid dream.
I was burnt out and removed myself away from artist I had work with, connections I had built, and friends I had fostered my dreams with.
One storm grew into 4 more and I lost track of how many bad things were happening. My daughters mother left us both for another man. I became a single father. Had no where to live for awhile. Had no money. Had no support.
My focus shifted from abundance to nessicity. Somewhere in there I forgot my talent and the flare I had for making a way out of no way. Things really got kind of fucked up but a perfect stranger assured me one night that if I put my daughters wants and needs first I would get what I desired most.
And!!! It still puzzles me how quick that fog cleared. I don't understand why after all that time things would fall into place like they never have before. Even prior to all the trouble starting, has there been a time in my life where my work and ambition have been met with such reward.
The focus of this blog will be to keep myself honest. To keep my goals and family life in focus. They are in fact one in the same. By ensuring greed does not play a role in my decisions. By making a way when there is none for my daughter I am getting what I desire most. I won't say to much but I have a lot of plans..... Once I remember to save my Pro Tools sessions before the start of the session! ,.. *hangs Head*
- Jon Linen Labels: Captains Log
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